A Good Chuckle

A Good Chuckle

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Dookie Deception

When you are a parent, you see a lot of poop. Straight up, no way to tip-toe around this fact of life. Furthermore, there is not a single parent in the history of parenting that will tell you that they enjoyed teaching their kids how to wipe their own asses. The reason I say this with absolute certainty is because I know how one teaches kids to wipe their own asses. It involves wiping their asses for them. And who wants to do that? Exactly; nobody.  

Now, I'm not sure how things work in typical households, but in my house when one of the kids needs help wiping they will procure this help through one of two ways; one is a screaming declaration about what just transpired ("Dad, I pooped!") leaving us parents with the assumption of what is needed from us and the other is a knock on the wall - a technique that was developed by my wife and I to send signals to each other throughout the house without yelling for each other, which was subsequently hijacked by the kids for all things bathroom.  

I get to the toilet and see kid poop sunk in the bowl every single time I am summoned for dookie-duty. And of course it is there! You don't flush until after you wipe (aside from the "courtesy flush" - a totally separate topic)! 

So what happens when Mommy gets there to wipe?  I imagine she sees the poop as well! 

So one day, when the stars aligned just right, I stalked the bathroom, waiting for one of my kids to ship a dookie. Eventually, my son comes barreling across the house for a potty break. I wait for him to call in assistance after the fact, specifically aiming to volunteer my help before he calls out for it. Quickly. Quietly. Efficiently. He runs out of the bathroom to go play, but I remain. 

Then I take a nasty poop, just absolutely disgusting. You know when you can tell in your gut that it's going to be abominable? That is what I meant when I said earlier that the stars had aligned just right. I was ready to go. 

And then I knock on the wall and hide in the shower - a complete forgery. Seconds later, I hear Mommy making her way to the bathroom. If she was expecting kid poop sunk in the bowl she will be in for quite a surprise this time!

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